Understanding People

I previously discussed how to talk with friends and family about your health problems. There are a few additional thoughts I’d like to share to follow up with that.

When I was younger, there were certain things about friendships I didn’t understand. For instance, I often missed long periods of school, church or social activities because I was sick or in the hospital. When I returned, people seemed to be very sincere when they told me they were worried about me and wondered where I was. Yet, my thought was, “You couldn’t have been too worried, you didn’t once call or stop by to visit.” I didn’t say that of course, but that’s how I felt. And to be honest, I still feel that way sometimes.

Don’t get me wrong. There have always been those choice spirits who did do those things. However, the typical action from friends has been inaction. For a large period of my life, that troubled me and I couldn’t grasp why it was so. As I grew older, my understanding of human nature also grew. Perhaps you’ve had similar experiences. If not, that’s wonderful and I’m a little jealous. If you have also encountered this, perhaps my words will help.

It may be difficult for some of your friends to come see you while you’re sick because doing so causes them to ponder their own mortality. These are thoughts most people avoid, and avoid situations that stir up such thoughts. It may also cause them to think about your mortality and wonder what their life would be like if you were not in it. This too is an unpleasant thought many shy away from. To avoid confronting such things, some people choose to keep their distance until the unpleasantness has passed.

Another reason why people may not choose to visit you when you’re ill is because they feel powerless to “make it better.” It’s human nature to want to control things. We want our actions to make a difference. Feeling helpless to improve a bad situation for somebody you care about is not an emotion many people know what to do with. Also, seeing you in a hospital bed in a weakened or painful condition can be a startling sight. It may make the reality of your illness too real for some friends to want to face.

Sometimes people feel there is an unwritten social law that requires them to say something wise or profound in an effort to make you feel better. [This often applies during times of mourning or emotional distress as well.] Feeling as though they have to say something comforting, but not knowing what that is, many choose to say and do nothing until the event has passed. Also, by waiting until the medical crisis has blown over, friends don’t have to face the reality of your illness. It’s kind of an “If I don’t look at it, it’s not there,” principle. They may get use to only seeing you when you feel good and may not want to witness the unpleasantness of Sickle Cell Disease.

Another reason they may not visit could simply be because they are going through a personal crisis themselves. Perhaps a stressful event, or series of events, has occurred in their life that has kept them busy with their own problems. While you are mad at them for not calling you while you were sick, they may be upset you didn’t call during their emergency. Or, they could have thought of you while you were sick, but have been too overwhelmed with the stressful events in their life to make the gesture. We don’t always know the reason for somebody’s inaction.

Understanding these can be some of the reasons why many friends didn’t call or visit helped me make peace with their inaction and not be too critical of it. Hopefully this provides you with a little insight in case you also experience similar behavior from your friends. I have learned that people only give what they are capable of giving and its best to let that be enough. Demanding more from a friend than what they have the ability to give puts strain on a relationship, trust me. I’ve learned that lesson well. Part of friendship is accepting and loving a person for who they are, the good with the bad. Friendships, especially the close personal kind, are beautiful and precious.

Just as your friends are patient and tolerant of your weaknesses, work at being tolerant of theirs. Though a loved one may not visit or call when you’re ill, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. It doesn’t mean they were lying when they said they were worried. It may simply mean they’re thoughtless and have no heart . . . huh, I meant to say, it may simply mean they have issues to work out that you may not be aware of. They are still your friends and they really do care.