Understanding People

I previously discussed how to talk with friends and family about your health problems. There are a few additional thoughts I’d like to share to follow up with that.

When I was younger, there were certain things about friendships I didn’t understand. For instance, I often missed long periods of school, church or social activities because I was sick or in the hospital. When I returned, people seemed to be very sincere when they told me they were worried about me and wondered where I was. Yet, my thought was, “You couldn’t have been too worried, you didn’t once call or stop by to visit.” I didn’t say that of course, but that’s how I felt. And to be honest, I still feel that way sometimes.

Don’t get me wrong. There have always been those choice spirits who did do those things. However, the typical action from friends has been inaction. For a large period of my life, that troubled me and I couldn’t grasp why it was so. As I grew older, my understanding of human nature also grew. Perhaps you’ve had similar experiences. If not, that’s wonderful and I’m a little jealous. If you have also encountered this, perhaps my words will help.

It may be difficult for some of your friends to come see you while you’re sick because doing so causes them to ponder their own mortality. These are thoughts most people avoid, and avoid situations that stir up such thoughts. It may also cause them to think about your mortality and wonder what their life would be like if you were not in it. This too is an unpleasant thought many shy away from. To avoid confronting such things, some people choose to keep their distance until the unpleasantness has passed.

Another reason why people may not choose to visit you when you’re ill is because they feel powerless to “make it better.” It’s human nature to want to control things. We want our actions to make a difference. Feeling helpless to improve a bad situation for somebody you care about is not an emotion many people know what to do with. Also, seeing you in a hospital bed in a weakened or painful condition can be a startling sight. It may make the reality of your illness too real for some friends to want to face.

Sometimes people feel there is an unwritten social law that requires them to say something wise or profound in an effort to make you feel better. [This often applies during times of mourning or emotional distress as well.] Feeling as though they have to say something comforting, but not knowing what that is, many choose to say and do nothing until the event has passed. Also, by waiting until the medical crisis has blown over, friends don’t have to face the reality of your illness. It’s kind of an “If I don’t look at it, it’s not there,” principle. They may get use to only seeing you when you feel good and may not want to witness the unpleasantness of Sickle Cell Disease.

Another reason they may not visit could simply be because they are going through a personal crisis themselves. Perhaps a stressful event, or series of events, has occurred in their life that has kept them busy with their own problems. While you are mad at them for not calling you while you were sick, they may be upset you didn’t call during their emergency. Or, they could have thought of you while you were sick, but have been too overwhelmed with the stressful events in their life to make the gesture. We don’t always know the reason for somebody’s inaction.

Understanding these can be some of the reasons why many friends didn’t call or visit helped me make peace with their inaction and not be too critical of it. Hopefully this provides you with a little insight in case you also experience similar behavior from your friends. I have learned that people only give what they are capable of giving and its best to let that be enough. Demanding more from a friend than what they have the ability to give puts strain on a relationship, trust me. I’ve learned that lesson well. Part of friendship is accepting and loving a person for who they are, the good with the bad. Friendships, especially the close personal kind, are beautiful and precious.

Just as your friends are patient and tolerant of your weaknesses, work at being tolerant of theirs. Though a loved one may not visit or call when you’re ill, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. It doesn’t mean they were lying when they said they were worried. It may simply mean they’re thoughtless and have no heart . . . huh, I meant to say, it may simply mean they have issues to work out that you may not be aware of. They are still your friends and they really do care.

"I'm Sorry"

Growing up, one of the most upsetting things a person could say to me when I told them I had Sickle Cell or that I had been hospitalized were the words, “I’m sorry.” Nothing angered me more. “Why are you sorry, you didn’t put me in the hospital!” I exclaimed to myself. Pity was absolutely the last thing I wanted from anybody. As I grew a little bit more mature, I began to comprehend what that phrase, in that context, truly meant.

There are no words in the human language—or at least the English language—which adequately conveys what one feels when they hear of a loved ones pain. The term “I’m sorry” generally doesn’t mean, “I feel sorry for you” or “I pity you,” but rather reflects a loss of words on their part. Many people feel ill equipped to express the appropriate words to console you. They may experience sorrow that you have to endure the discomfort of your illness. As I said before, they may feel powerless to do anything to make things better for you. Some may even feel a tinge of guilt for having a life free of the adversities you experience. The expression “I’m sorry” is the only phrase one can think of to say which remotely comes close to conveying the love, concern, sympathy, and flood of other emotions they have for you.

Gaining insight into the hidden meaning behind this expression has helped me as an adult. However, I still dislike it when somebody says, “I’m sorry” after hearing about my health problems. Like I said, I matured, a little. Now, rather than getting upset by that phrase as I once did, I try to appreciate the words for what they represent. So when somebody tells you they’re sorry, try to realize it’s an expression of sympathy—which is very different than pity.

Family Openness

Living with the kind of health problems Sickle Cell causes, you, like myself, perhaps are confronted with the reality of your mortality on a regular basis. Understanding you are mortal and will one day pass from this world into the next, are truths many people don’t accept or ponder until much later in life. You, however, have to make peace with this at a very young age, at least I did. This is another reason why I encourage people with chronic illnesses to develop their spirituality. Religion can be a wonderful comfort about such matters.

You might think it strange that I previously spoke about believing you will live a long life and now I’m talking about accepting your mortality. Perhaps your life experience in this area is different than mine. Even as a young child, thoughts about death and dying always weighed heavily on my mind. As a youth I was very aware of my mortality and frequently felt the need to talk about it. Usually in a half joking half serious manner. Knowing I could express such feelings in my home helped my parents know how to help me stay mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy.

It’s been my observation in many households, and friendships for that matter, that any discussion about death and dying is a taboo topic. Some families, or family members, will freeze up and say, “Don’t think that way,” and shut down any discussion on the matter. They may accuse you of being negative or having morbid thoughts because you talk about this issue. Living with Sickle Cell, you may simply have deeper thoughts and feelings about life and death than what other people have or are aware of.

I’m addressing this subject because your family should know if you have this need. They should understand a desire to talk about death doesn’t necessarily mean you have given up on life or are thinking about taking yours. Families should be comfortable talking about such matters and able to speak openly about anything your 4-Points of Health requires.

I believe discussing such feelings with those you are closest to, are a vital part of staying mentally healthy. Exploring your family beliefs in regards to death and an after-life can be a powerful source of hope and can help you come to terms with your mortality. My religious views about the purpose of life, why we are here and what happens when we die have always given me peace of mind about life and death.

I encourage you to read this section with your family. Speaking openly and freely with one another can help your entire household more easily cope with the struggles Sickle Cell brings not only to you, but your family as a whole.

Don't Shut People Out

In "The Salvation of Service" section, I discussed the benefits of service. This works both ways. The same way other people can benefit from your service, your life can likewise be blessed by the service others provide you. At times it can be difficult to accept assistance. However, there are those instances when a helping hand from a supportive friend is precisely what you need most.

I once had a friend who came to my house and asked if he could wash the mountain of dirty dishes he observed piled sky high in my kitchen. Being the neat freak I am, I always keep my home clean and orderly. At the time, however, I had been too ill to care. My friend saw a need and made use of an opportunity to serve. I could have refused his offer, allowing my pride to get in the way. Instead, by permitting him to do this simple but kind act, it went a long way to bettering our friendship. By cleaning my dishes, my friend not only removed the stress I had about the mess in my kitchen, but he terminated the life form that was growing on my stack of dirty dishes.

Part of enduring your trials includes not shutting the people close to you out of your life. When you’re in the middle of a bad crisis, often there’s little friends and family can do to help relieve the pain. Despite this, those closest to you may have a need to show their love and concern by doing something for you that you, for the moment, cannot do for yourself.

Whether it’s taking you some place you need to go, washing your car, going to the store for you, helping with chores, or doing your dishes it’s been my experience that friends are happy to help. Often, we become so use to doing things on our own, that the hardest thing to do is ask for help. Learn to allow those in your support group to assist you when they offer. Also, don’t be ashamed to ask for help when you need it. Friendships deepen when service is given. This is why it’s important to surround yourself with positive and uplifting people. The strength you gain from the love they give can help you summon the courage needed to brave the trials your face.