SIckle Cell Foot Ulcers: They're Healed!

In spite of the difficulties I'm having with my hips, some positive things are happening. I mentioned in the post, "Blood Clot No More!" that the clot in my left leg is gone. So that's good. It's been two years since my last hospitalization, and it was six years before that. But what I'm most happy to report this week is the two leg/foot ulcers that I have had since March of 2012 are 100% healed!

From June of 2010 to June 2013 I have had a total of ten foot ulcers. When at their worst, nearly half of my left foot was covered with open wounds. When I had to clean them, the pain was so bad at times that it literally made my heart hurt. To go from never having had a single foot/leg ulcer in my life, to having ten very severe ones over a three year period...it's been a challenge.

I understand now why and how some people loose limbs from wounds like these. When they appear, they can go from not too bad to VERY bad in a crazy short period of time. If a person is unable or unwilling to: 1) take the time to properly clean them; 2) endure the pain of cleaning them; 3) receive proper medical care; and 4) stay off their feet...the wounds will only continue to get worse and heal time will be lengthened.

The past two years has certainly been a trial of faith and patience. Thankfully I've had countless people praying for me, I've had the support of family, and excellent medical care. I wish I could believe that I will never have another foot ulcer again; but the truth is, it is a new complication that I don't see ending any time soon. I'm certain another wound will arise in time. But until then, I will protect my feet and legs and manage my health as best I can.

While it is true that I am struggling with the reality of needing a wheelchair, there still are blessings in my life. In addition to my wounds healing and my clot being gone, I've had very few pain crisis the past two years. This has been a gift from God. With the amount of pain I experienced with many of my wounds, it should have thrown me into a pain crisis; but it didn't. With the high amount of pain I am having in my hips, that too should be triggering more Sickle Cell pain than it has.

While the pain crises are there--in fact, I've been having a mild one for about a week now--the crises aren't/haven't been as bad as I know they could be. So like I said, some good things are happening.

I pray you can also see, acknowledge, and give thanks for all the good things in your life. I am certain there are many.

Nearly 40 Years Old with Sickle Cell

I recently had communications with a young man who told be about a "very very close friend" of his who died from Sickle Cell Disease three years ago. I am always struck hard when I hear or read of such passings. It helps reaffirm to me how truly blessed I am.

Of my 116 hospitalizations, there were many that brought me to the brink of death at a very young age. From ages 9 to 19, my health was not nearly as stable as it has been from ages 20 to 39. Many of those childhood hospital visits were nearly my last; so many in fact that I can't remember them all.

There was a huge chunk in my life (I'm guessing from ages 14 to 28) when I would have been more than happy if God had called me Home. In fact, there were times in my mid-twenties when I begged God, with tears streaming down my face, to end my life. The idea of living another day was repulsive to me for a very long a time.

By the time my 30th birthday came around, a change had occurred in my heart, mind, and soul. I realized how selfish I had been for asking what I did. There was/is much in my life to be grateful for and to live for. For example:

I have three siblings that are quite a bit older than me. Between the three of them, they have given me eleven nieces and nephews. I remember holding each and every one of them in my arms as infants. Now, nearly all of them are adults. Several are married and have children of their own. Witnessing their marriages, watching them become parents...it's something I NEVER believed I would live see.

I've had experiences and built friendships that have impacted my life in powerful and positive ways as I have theirs. Every year I grow older, I am more surprised than the last to still be here, and more grateful as well.

My 40th birthday is nearly two weeks away. 40! I never dared to dream I would still be here; and I never dreamed I would be as happy as I am to still be here. It's a wonderful blessing and I'm very pleased God didn't answer my selfish prayers to take me Home when I asked Him to; and I'm so grateful I never took my own life, as I contemplated many many times in my twenties.

I admit, the past two years have medically been the most challenging of my life. There certainly have been moments when I thought, "God, please just take me Home." But those are thoughts that quickly pass. As much as I sometimes would love to be rid of this broken body of mine, there are a great many things in life I love more.

I hope every single reader of this blog embraces the truth that life is worth living. Yes, life can be hard. Yes, our condition will/does bring many challenges; but it's these challenges that make us who we are and make us better than we were. I truly pray you each cherish your life and find joy in it.

Trials and Blessings of Sickle Cell

I have to admit I was pretty depressed when I wrote the post “Not Cleared for Surgery." Nearly two weeks have passed since then and the black fog of depression has lifted; though there still is some haze.

Previously I have written how important it is to remember that “Somebody Has it Worse Than You.” No matter how bad things are, this is always true. And I have to admit, it’s a concept that I have not applied as I should have over the past few weeks.

On the news for the past week or two there has been a story about a ten year old girl who needed a new set of lungs. Unless she received those lungs within ten days, she was going to die. This poor girl was stuck in a hospital for, I don't know how long, relying upon a machine to help her breathe. Thankfully, with only a few days left to live, she finally received those lungs and went into surgery on Wednesday. Listening to her story on Wednesday really hit me on at the core.

I’ve been so depressed over the idea of spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair. My thought was, “I’m thirty-nine years old for crying out loud!” But I finally woke up and realized: my mind and intellect are in tact; I can read; I can write; I can draw; I can drive; and I can still do many things. I’m not stuck in a hospital bed; I don’t have to have a machine help me breathe; I’m not a child fighting for my life praying that somebody dies so I can have their lungs, and most likely feeling bad about that; there are many, many, many things that I’m not battling with. What right do I have feeling sorry for myself? Somebody, many-bodies, have it far worse than I do.

My objective here is to help readers of this post remember what I finally did, that things could be worse. Though the trials we are facing today seem, and in truth are emotionally taxing and a trial of faith, there is still much to be thankful for. Rather than thinking on all the things you or I cannot do, embrace those things you and I still CAN do; and there are many.

There is a facebook page entitled Sickle Cell Warrior, As survivors of Sickle Cell Anemia, there is much we battle in life, thus making us warriors in our own right. My brothers and sisters, as warriors we must always keep the shield of faith close to our hearts. I pray each of you find the courage and strength to always count your blessings, trust in God, and endure your trials well.

Sickle Cell Foot Ulcers: Nearly Healed

I am really encouraged by the state of my foot ulcers. The two newest wounds on my right foot have completely healed! The ulcers that I've had since March of 2012, they are very close to being entirely healed also; finally.

The wound that was nearly 2.8cm long as of May 1st is down to only 0.2cm. I'm hoping and praying that in a week's time, it will at last be nothing more than a memory. The second wound that what was about 2.0cm is now about 0.6cm long now. Each and every day it looks better than the last.

These two lingering wounds have been such a pain; pun intended. I know I have no cause to complain about these year long wounds. Some patients struggle with foot ulcers for ten or fifteen years! I have to say, when I read that, it both filled me dread and an appreciation for my situation.

As I've mentioned in other posts, Manuka honey has been working really well for me. I've learned that Manuka honey is a must have for treating these wounds. There are times when it slightly burns after applying the honey, but it fades after about fifteen minutes.

I am extremely grateful that an end to these lingering ulcers is at last in sight. I'm hoping--as I have many times before--that these wounds will all be healed in a month's time. I've been hoping for that for the past five months, but this time is different. This time I can see notable improvement in the wound's condition each and every day. Needless to say, that is highly encouraging.

Not Cleared for Surgery

The past four months I've been somewhat patiently waiting for my foot ulcers to heal so I could have my first hip replacement surgery. I've also been going to my various doctors to get clearance for surgery. They all gave me clearance. That is, until I saw my cardiologist ten days ago.

To make sure that my heart was/is strong enough for surgery, he ordered a stress echo test. Normally they would have a person run on a treadmill while monitoring the heart to test the heart's function and strength. Since I'm walking with a walker, obviously that wasn't possible. So they did a chemical stress test instead.

After they did an echo of my heart, they put an I.V. in my arm. Typically they give you small doses of a medication that gradually raises your heart rate. They have you hooked up to all kinds of monitors and perform another echo of the heart during the procedure.

When I was given the medication, it didn't cause my heart rate to raise, but to plummet. I experienced a heaviness and pain in my chest; it felt like my heart was about to pop out of my chest, and I had difficulty breathing. The doctor came running in, they gave me oxygen and had to halt the test very early on.

Over the past many years, my heart function has been stable at 45%. It's now 35%. Based on what happened during the test, my cardiologist can't/won't clear me for surgery. "If what happened here," my cardiologist said, "happened in the operating room, it would be very bad."

When I was told about my hips several months ago, I was told I had two options: 1) have a double hip replacement surgery, or 2) live with it until it got worse and eventually end up in a wheelchair. So when my cardiologist told me he couldn't clear me for surgery, I was...devastated.

There are many things I've prepared myself for in my life; spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair wasn't one of them. I'm having to come to terms with this reality and I find I'm having a hard time with that. Once I get my chair, hopefully an electric one, I know I will regain much of the mobility that I've lost over the past year and a half. Right now, every step with my walker is agony and physically taxing. But mentally coming to terms with being in a wheelchair is taking time. But with the Lord's help, I know peace will come.

Sickle Cell - Blood Clot No More!

Two years ago a blood clot formed in my left leg. I went from the middle of my shin to the middle of my thigh. I had no idea at the time that blood clots could get so large; I'm told they can be even larger than that. When I had the clot, my leg really swelled up and it was very painful. I was put on blood thinners and had to wear a pressure sock. The sock fits very tightly against the skin and goes all the way up to the knee. When worn, it helps to open up the blood vessels, push the blood back up the leg, and prevent and/or reduce swelling.

After about six months I was taken off the blood thinners. One year ago, an ultrasound showed the clot was half the size it was. I was told the clot wouldn't get any smaller, and that I would have it for the rest of my life.

Last week another ultrasound was done, and it showed the blood clot is entirely gone! The vein where the clot was is a bit thicker than normal from scar tissue, but the clot is gone. Needless to say, I was/am very happy about that.

During that first year I did a lot of meditation exercises where I envisioned the vein in my leg where the clot was. Then I'd envision the clot inside the vein. Then I'd envision small pieces of that clot breaking off until nothing remained of it. I don't know how much a part that process played in my clot becoming removed from my vein, but...you never know. I've been amazed by, and seen some dramatic examples of, the power of meditation. I also credit God and the prayers of my friends and family. Every little bit helps.

Observing Life and Death with Sickle Cell

As you know, living with Sickle Cell means frequent visits to the Emergency Room. As an adult, I've been fortunate. From age twenty to present, I've only had to go to the ER a handful of times. As a child and teen, however, it was a very different story.

Often, my day would be normal; I went to school, played with friends, did my chores, and went to bed feeling fine. Then around midnight, I would awake in horrid pain that couldn't be controlled with home medication. Many, many times, my parents had to drive me to the ER at one o'clock in the morning. I think it was harder on my parents than it was on me; never knowing when their child would be fighting for his life in a hospital bed.

One particular trip to the ER I remember very vividly. I was perhaps thirteen or fourteen years old. In the bed next to me there was person who had been shot. Despite the doctors best efforts, he didn't survive his wounds. A thin curtain between two beds doesn't provide much privacy. At the time, it was the closest I had been to a person who had died.

By that time in my life, I personally had come close to death several of times. But, for the first time, that experience made me realize how quickly life can be taken from a person. I had long been aware of my own mortality. But the death of the man next to me in the ER made my mortality more real.

¶  I've had nearly one hundred sixteen hospitalizations in my life. Approximately a dozen of them have been in my adulthood. Logically, when I became an adult, I no longer stayed in the pediatric ward when admitted.

I remember one of the first times I was admitted to the adult unit. An aged senior gentleman was my roommate. If I recall correctly, his illness had caused him to be mentally out of it; he was conscious, but not there. I remember one day his family came to visit him and talk with the doctors. The doctor pulled the "privacy" curtain closed so he could tell the family their father had a cancer. There was nothing that could be done for him, and the doctor expected him to live only a few months. Naturally, the family sobbed.

Experiences like those I've shared have an impact on a young mind and they stay with you. Though leaving this life had always been on the forefront of my mind, those events brought death into clearer focus and far more real.

I think my purpose in sharing them is to provide a glimpse into what we as Sickle Cell patients see and hear in the hospital. Experiences like these, and countless others, caused me to be an introspective person. It caused me to develop a unique view about life, death, and everything in between. Your loved one may have experienced similar events that had a profound impact on them.

In the post, "Family Openness," I talked about how important it is for patients to feel free and able to talk with their family openly about anything and everything. They say, "still waters run deep." Sickle Cell causes patients to frequently be still; consequently our waters tend to run very deep. I ask that parents, siblings, family, and friends be aware of that. There may be a need to talk about issues and experiences that plague your loved one's thoughts. Be there for them, and willing to listen.

Photos My Sickle Cell Foot Ulcers

 WARNING: If you have a weak stomach or suffer from Easily Regurgitatous, (a medical term I just made up that means, you throw up easily from gross things) you may want to bypass this post.

I've been debating for some time as to whether or not I should post my photo journal of my ulcers. The pictures are almost as unpleasant to look at as they were to have. Almost. However, I decided that it might help inform the uninformed about this painful affliction; and my notes may help somebody else suffering from similar wounds.

The Three F's of Coping with Sickle Cell - Faith

 When people ask, "how do you cope with it all," I tell them faith, along with my family and friends, is what gets me through it all. In the post entitled, Spiritual Health, I spoke about the need to have spirituality in your life. For me, my faith is what gets me through all the unpleasant things that Sickle Cell throws my way.

On the facebook page,  Sickle Warriors, I read that a young man with Sickle Cell recently took his own life because he was tired of the difficulties the illness brought into his life. I feel for him and his family. On more than one occasion, despair nearly drove me to take such actions.

In the post entitled, Depression, I spoke briefly about my struggles in that area. There were many years in my life when suicide occupied my thoughts on a daily basis. The cold reality was, had it not been for my faith and religious beliefs, I would have taken my own life. Once I acknowledged I needed help and received it, those dark thoughts left me and have been a thing of the past for a long time now. Thank goodness.

As Sickle Cell patients, we struggle with so much; it's natural for our minds and spirits to fall into dark places sometimes; as does everybody at times. To counterbalance that darkness, there must be a greater light in your life. That light is God.

Though I am very devoted to faith, it's not my purpose here to promote any particular religion. My purpose is to encourage you to find your own faith. I personally cannot imagine enduring what we do without having God a part of our life.

As everybody whose endured a pain crisis knows, there are times when the pain is so high that one minute feels like an hour, and a day of it feels like ten. When those agonizing minutes come, the light of Christ and God's love is the lifeline that will pull me through the sea of agony. Without it, I would surely drown.

The Lord has provided more miracles in my life than I can count. At times I've been pulled back from the brink of death; at times I've had agonizing pain entirely removed; other times, most of the time unfortunately, it's my lot to endure the pain. Whether God lessons my discomfort or not, He always sees me through it with the comfort of His Spirit; as He can do for you.

Faith doesn't mean we are going to be protected from hardship; rather, it gives us the strength to endure it. If faith and spirituality are not yet a part of your life, I beg you to seek it out. If faith is a part of your life--whether it's Muslim based, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, or Christianity--always be vigilant to cultivate it; do things that will help the light of your spirituality burn brighter. For that light will see you through the darkest of days.

The Three F's of Coping with Sickle Cell - Family

When I talk with people about the things I endure, the question I'm frequently asked is, "how do you cope with it all?" For one thing, I couldn't do it without my family. I feel SO blessed to be a Monk; and I don't mean the bald headed kind who wear robes all the time; though my oldest brother is bald now.

Everybody's family unit is organized differently. Many live in a single parent home; some have half siblings; others have step-parents and siblings; some live with relatives or foster parents; and others have people of non-relation whom they call family. There are many people who feel that blood relation is the only kind of family that matters. Being adopted, I know that's bull. In my mind, time together and love is  what makes a family.

I've never had a desire to seek out my biological parents. I've always known who my mom and dad were. They are: the only parents I've ever known; they are the people who have loved me all my life; they are the people who agonized with me through every pain crisis and all 116 hospitalizations.

I have so many memories as a youth of being in the hospital. Too often, I saw other children who seldom had anybody visit or stay with them in the hospital; sometimes for days at time. I felt bad for them. There I had either my mom, dad, or some other family member visit me every day; but next to me there was a child who did not have that. It broke my heart.

My point in writing about this is...Sickle Cell is a difficult challenge to live with. For any parents or family member reading this post, your child needs your support. No matter the age, a hospital bed is a lonely place to be. Sickle Cell itself can be a lonely disease. Family and friends must rally around the patient.

For any teen reading this post, allow your family to be there for you. It's not uncommon for many teenagers with Sickle Cell to wonder if they should tell certain family members, who may not know, that they have Sickle Cell. As I've said in previous posts, you need your family's support. Be open with your family. Trust them and rely upon them.

For any reader whose life circumstance is such that family is in short supply, remember what I said; blood relation doesn't necessarily make a family. Lean on the love others have to give you. Whether your "family" is a neighbor, a minister, a teacher, or trusted friend, allow them to be there for you. And to those ministers, teachers, and neighbors, please, please understand how great a challenge living with Sickle Cell is for your loved one, and offer as much support as you have to give. It will make all the difference in their life.

The Three F's of Coping with Sickle Cell - Friends

When I talk with people about the things I endure, the question I'm frequently asked is, "how do you cope with it all?" I find it a difficult question to answer, yet simple at the same time. The answer is, "I just do." Living with a chronic illness from birth is different than developing one later in life. I've never known anything different than living with the daily, and unpredictable, complications of Sickle Cell. However, I do have to say that my family, faith, and friends are the three major gears that keep my coping machine in full operation.

In the posts entitled, "Safety Net" and "Building Relationships of Trust," I wrote about how important it is to surround yourself with good, positive, and supportive friends. I can't express enough how important it is to choose your friends carefully. I have always tried to befriend everybody around me. Whether they were a nerd or a jock, a cheerleader or a recluse--sadly, the cheerleaders never reached out to me--I always did my best to reach out to all; social or popularity status never mattered to me. But when it came to selecting close personal friends, I was/am very selective.

Negative people radiate negative energy. I have enough negative energy in my life that I daily combat. What I need in my life are positive people who radiate positive energy.  Keeping all 4-Points of my health...well...healthy, is vital to my well-being. I need to be around friends who make me laugh, and I can in turn make laugh; friends who share my spiritual beliefs; and friends I don’t have to hide the details of my health from.

All my life I’ve been blessed with no shortage of close personal friends. Many of those friendships died, others have remained. I have one friend named Mark; he and I have been friends for over twenty years. Though we live in separate States, he keeps in contact with me as much as I do him. I cherish his friendship more than words can express.

Some days, living with Sickle Cell is very challenging; it can be mentally, physically, emotional, and spiritually difficult to manage. A good friend can help lighten the heavy load that is our illness. Lean on your friends. Allow them to help. Talk with them about what's troubling you. They may or may not be able to relate to the hardships in your life, but they can listen; they can be there for you; they can give you their love. Allow your friends to help you cope with Sickle Cell the best they can.

Ensure and Sickle Cell

The past two years have been the hardest of my life, medically speaking. I’ve dealt with one issue after another. Over the past two years, I’ve dropped from 125lbs to 100lbs. Depression has certainly played a roll in my weight loss. Having a desire to eat, and craving any kind of food, has been a big challenge. The past year, I’ve been eating only because I knew I had to, not because I was hungry or wanted to eat.

Preparing to have two hip surgeries in the near future, weighing only a hundred pounds seriously concerns me. So I began looking online for something I could eat or drink to help put some weight on. One of the products I came upon and have been using is, “Ensure.”

Ensure is a nutritional drink. Hospitals often provide it to help supplement a nutritional diet; if you can call hospital food nutritional; or food for that matter. Ensure is often given to senior citizens; by that I mean, sick old people. That idea might discourage you from wanting to drink it; but it shouldn't, Ensure is a great product.

If you follow the Ensure link provided, you can see they offer six different drinks. Some focus on improving muscle health, nutrition, or weight gain. Wanting to get as many extra calories in me as possible, I began drinking Ensure Plus about seven days ago. Ensure Plus has 350 calories. I’ve been drinking it twice a day.

Two days after I began drinking it, I noticed a significant improvement in how I felt. I had more energy, I felt more alert, and most importantly, I started to have an actual appetite. In addition to the extra calories, Ensure provides twenty-four vitamins and minerals.

I think, because I hadn’t been eating as I should, that I may have been malnourished a bit. Since Ensure is helping me to get nutritionally balanced, and is providing extra calories, I’ve felt like eating and have been willing to do so rather than forcing myself to eat. Though it’s only been seven days since I began drinking Ensure, I have already put on two pounds. Not to mention the fact that I feel SO MUCH better.

Many people with Sickle Cell struggle with their weight. For anybody who has problems putting on the pounds—a problem most people would kill for—I highly recommend drinking Ensure. It comes in different flavors. I prefer chocolate; not that I’m prejudice against vanilla, I just prefer chocolate. I’m talking about food, of course.

Hopefully, by drinking it each day, I can continue putting some weight back on. I am totally, sold on Ensure.

"The Calm Below"

The ocean so deep.
Above a tempest rages.
Mountains of water crash
   with thunderous roar.
Within the water below,
There is stillness and tranquility.

“The Calm Storm” - October 27, 1997

A calm still blue pond;
Alone unsheltered,
Quiet, motionless, and serene.

Black clouds roll in.
A lone raid drop falls
Rippling across the calm blue,
Slowly vanishing.

Tumultuous storm.
Sky of blackness,
Bombarding shower falls.

Still water replaced
By raging waves;
Trembling, crashing
Violent.

Thunder cracks.
Lightening strikes.
Fierce winds.

A new sun rises chasing
Darkness into it’s
Hiding place.
The winds calm.
The fiery watery darts cease.
Clouds withdraw.

Rippled waves vanish
Into a calm lone
Water body.

Sickle Cells Can Kill Tumors?!

I recently came across the following article: Sickle Blood Cells Now Being Used to Kill Tumors. It is VERY interesting. I encourage you to read it.

One of the benefits of having Sickle Cell Disease is that it gives us a greater resistance against Malaria. I once thought that Sickle Cell Anemia made me immune to Malaria. As I did more research, however, I learned that I only have a greater resistance against it.

Now it seems as though sickle cells can kill various kinds of cancer! That is, astounding, amazing, wonderful, awesome, and a laundry list of other powerful adjectives. The idea that the abnormal red blood cells that have caused so much grief in my life may be able to benefit people who are fighting cancer....somehow it makes me feel almost proud to have Sickle Cell Disease. Not that I have ever been ashamed of my illness, because that's never been the case. But this....it's difficult to put into words how reading that article made me feel.

Doctors, Please Don't Ask Me....

It's a doctors job to ask all kinds of medical questions. As far as I can remember, there is only one question that I never want a medical professional to ask me: "So, how long have you had Sickle Cell?"

I vividly recall an ER doctor asking me that. I was stunned, and my response wasn't a positive one, "My whole life!"

"Oh, no, I meant, how old were you when you were diagnosed?"

"I pray that is what you meant," was my response. I felt like asking, "I don't know, how long have you been white? I'm guessing, your whole life!" I used restraint.

When a trained medical professional, a doctor no less, asks, "how long have you had Sickle Cell," it doesn't inspire much confidence in that person's expertise. So, to any and all persons reading this who may work in the field of medicine, please take my advice, and never ask a Sickle Cell patient that question.

Sickle Cell Foot Ulcers: Using Manuka Honey

I had to write about how amazed I am with the benefits of honey. The ulcer on the arch of my foot is entirely healed! I began using Manuka honey on it very early on. In less than two months time, it healed more thoroughly than any of my other wounds have, and in a shorter period of time. Sadly, the wound on my arch expanded to the bottom of my foot. The pain from that wound has not allowed me to use honey on it. However, the ulcer on my heel is also healing at an accelerated pace.

I haven’t been able to use honey for the entire duration of the wound on my heel. For the first several weeks, I was able to use Manuka honey; but after, that I had to shift to Silver Sulfadiazine Cream. In spite of stopping the use of honey, I feel it helped reduce how badly the ulcer became.

For anybody who struggles with foot or leg ulcers, I HIGHLY recommend using Manuka Honey, or MEDIHONEY, on them for as long as you can tolerate using it. My use of this product over the past month has...made me sweet on honey. Though admitted, I’ve always been sweet as honey.

Coping with Sickle Cell: Benefits of Writing

As I’ve stated in other posts, I recently learned that I need to have both my hips replaced. I have to wait, however, until my foot ulcers heal before I can have my first surgery. To be honest, I first felt a great amount of fear about the idea of needing those surgeries. I knew it was going to be several months before I would be healed enough to have my first surgery. I also knew that I couldn’t sit around those many months waiting in fear. I had to redirect my thoughts and put my focus on to something else.

For as long as I can remember, writing has been my best coping strategy. There is a reason why I have over fifty volumes of journals, have written two hundred plus poems, several stories, and this blog. It has been the salvation of my mental health. No matter what was bothering me, no matter how angry, or upset I may be, I’ve always been able to write a poem, or in my journal, and instantly feel better. I have also written two novel length fictional stories. Both were written during a time of great emotional stress. They are something I wrote simply to take my mind off the problem I was dealing with at the time. 

To remove myself from my anxieties about the condition of my hips, and the arrival of two new ulcers, I decided to throw myself into a new writing project. For the past several months I’ve been working on a new story, and I have to say—not to toot my own horn or anything thing—but that was a very wise decision to make.

As I’ve directed my thoughts onto this project, it’s allowed me to come to terms with the fears I previously had about the surgeries. The stress I felt is gone. I’m actually at peace about it, and—this is something I never thought I’d say—I’m looking forward to have the surgeries. I’m looking forward to not having constant pain in my hips; to being able to walk without the use of a walker; and move around normally.

Though writing isn’t the only method I use to help manage my stress and fill the mind-numbing months of monotony my body has forced upon me as of late. But it is the one I rely upon the most. My point is not to tease you about what it is that I’m writing about, but to show how important it is to find healthy coping strategies of your own.

"55 Idioms" - June 22, 2012

[For the past year I've been battling foot ulcers in a pretty severe way; it was the inspiration behind this poem.]

I once was sure-footed, quick to jump to my feet, often jumping in feet first. Far from having two left feet, I was a flat-footed tap dancer. Quick on my feet I may have been called by some twinkle toes or happy feet. Light on my feet, I’d toe the line step by step. With both feet on the ground, the pitter-patter of my little feet sounded rhythmically with footsteps here and tiptoes there. Those days are in my review mirror.

Recently I found myself swept off my feet, thrown head over heels topsy-turvy, entirely knocked off my feet. Where I once stood on my own two feet, I’m now constantly forced to put my feet up and take a load off my feet.

With bandages under foot I slowly move one step at a time. Taking two steps forward and one step back would be preferable to being completely dead on my feet with grass growing under my feet. From all this I’ve nearly developed a foot fetish. For I must always think on my feet, stay on my toes, and take care not to get my foot in the door, step on any toes or open mouth and insert foot.

If I get my feet wet I get cold feet and you may find me in my stocking feet, hopefully free from stinky feet. The pain at times makes my toes curl and causes me to drag my feet. Frequently I feel as though I have one foot in the grave, but am grateful this ordeal hasn’t yet put me six feet under.

Though the agony of my feet has at times been great, I’m grateful the agony of defeat has not yet consumed my spirit. However, some days it has taken a great feat of strength to rise to my feet. I’d happily put my best foot forward, shuffle my feet toward any healer and lay at his feet a debt of gratitude for any help he could provide; though I expect that would be some feat.

I know in time this tender foot will be back on his feet and spring to his feet with bells on his feet. Inevitably, all things come to pass and this trial will fade away like footprints in the sand.

"Oh Sweet Feet" - June 11, 2012

 [For the past year I've been battling foot ulcers in a pretty severe way; it was the inspiration behind this poem.]

Attached to us from time of birth,
Carrying us through feast and dearth.
Often we give no mind to their care,
Taking for granted the state of their affair.
As children we played “this little piggy” with each digit,
And all through life we tap them when we nervously fidget.
We use them to run, dash, skip and play,
Sometimes walking for hours each day.
Yes, there’s the occasional stub, strain, or strenuous sprain,
But faithfully they carry us no matter our weight gain.
Pedicures and reflexology may be the pampering preference of some,
But for me, I previously gave these appendages thought next to none.
That’s until two summers past when this beast first reared its ugly head,
Which, since that date, has filled my life with a fair amount of dread.
A thorn from a rose bush fell silently in my shoe,
The result of that injury no one could fore-knew.
In time an ulcer formed that a quarter could’ve fit inside,
It took three months to wait out that unpleasant ride.
Little did I know it was to be the first of a rising tide.
Another injury occurred almost a year to date;
Thankfully my skin, in time, did fully regenerate.
Sadly, a continued bombardment of ulcers has been my woe as of late.
Switching from right to left and left to right,
At times their size and number have been an ugly sight.
With the aching and burn that accompanies each one,
Needless to say my tired dogs aren’t having any fun.
Still waiting out the most current storm of unpleasant soars,
I holdout faithful that complete healing will soon be in store.
Swollen and scarred from the horror that has befallen them,
I no longer take for granted the supports at the base of my limbs.
I yearn for the days when I gave these appendages very little thought,
When, at will, I could go outside for a pleasant trot.
Now I’m painfully aware of gravity and every object on approach,
And how an impact, on my skin’s health, could painfully encroach.
Alas, I ought to be content with the things the Lord has allotted unto me,
For things could always be worse, that’s something I can plainly see.
Though foot ulcers are undesirable as undesirable can be,
At least they aren’t facial ulcers that would transform me into something ugly.
So the lesson to all my readers out there,
Who give your pedal pushers no thought nor care;
Think on the woeful tale that’s been told here.
Give your tootsies a gift of something neat,
Speak to them words that are kind and sweet,
Tell them your gratitude is solid as concrete,
Or give them a foot bath where little fishies eat
Your dead skin, which for the fish, is a yummy treat.
Remember to keep them clean, tidy, and smelling like a rose,
So they don’t become unpleasant to the eyes or foul to the nose.
And that’s how I choose to end this ranting of a prose.