Friendship and Sickle Cell Disease

I was thinking of a recent experience, which is not at all a unique one. When I learned that I would be unable to have my hip replacement surgeries, I naturally sought comfort from loved ones. I was gravely disappointed when I went to one individual’s house. I spent three minutes talking about what I was dealing with and listened for fifteen minutes about something else entirely unrelated, at which point the topic was totally changed. Needless to say I gave up trying to talk about my situation with them.

The second individual I tried to speak with was also a let down. I spoke to them for five minutes about my news, and that was all I got out. Rather than just listening to what I needed to express, I had to listen to what he wanted to express to me.

I spoke of a similar topic in the section 17) About Friends and Family. Often, when a person hears about your latest tribulation, they simply don’t know what to say. Because they don’t know what to say, they may: 1) avoid you until the event is over; 2) avoid talking about the subject entirely; or 3) simply say nothing at all. It’s not because they don’t care, it’s because they don’t know what to say.

If you are a friend or family member of a person living with a chronic or terminal illness, please understand. Understand that your loved one is struggling to come to terms with this new crisis in their life; and when they finally choose to share it with you for the first time, understand that all your loved one wants is for you to listen. You don’t need to offer solutions; you don’t need to search for ways to fix the problem at that point; and you ought not change the subject so you don’t have to hear what’s on their mind.

What your loved one wants/needs from you is a compassionate heart and an ear willing to listen. That’s it. Just listen. You don’t have to give advice; you don’t have to say anything profound or wise. All you have to do is listen. I know from a multitude of personal experiences how extremely disheartening it is when those you most rely upon cannot provide this. I also know from personal experience how profoundly comforting it is when loved ones do provide this.

Please, be sensitive to your loved one’s needs. Please, don’t be afraid to be silent. And to those suffering through difficult trials, please be patient with the shortcomings of others.